Chapter Text
The endless speaking of the lords on his council was beginning to grate on his already frayed nerves. Many of the matters they thought to bring forth had already been decided upon in the previous meetings, so he saw no reason they should still be discussing them. Thorin sighed and tried to focus on what one of the minor lords from the Blue Mountain was saying,
“Pardon me your Majesty, but the council believes that it is time for you to find a spouse.”
Thorin looked over at the lord, his gaze darkening. The dwarf turned timid under the scrutiny, but continued to speak.
“Forgive me sire, but it has been two years since the reclamation of Erebor. The line of Durin –“
“Is secure through the heir I have chosen, or would you like to question that as well?” Thorin thundered. Before he could say anything more Balin chose that moment to speak,
“Lord Erlendur is not questioning your choices, merely suggesting that your people would like to see a queen rule beside you.”
The feeling of betrayal hit him more completely than he had thought. Of all people, he had assumed that Balin would understand his reasons for refusing marriage so vehemently. Balin was, after all, the only dwarf on the council that had been on the quest with him. And with her, his mind supplied automatically. The rest of the lords arrived shortly after Erebor was reclaimed and the battle fought, clamoring for a place on his council.
“There is no one that I wish to rule beside me. I have made that clear, and will not hear a word of this again.” Even as he said it, he knew that he was lying. There was one that he would have beside him for the rest of his days, but she was far from him and would never return.
He pushed his chair back and stood, daring anyone to say anything further. The chamber remained eerily quiet so Thorin turned and stalked out of the room. Hurried footsteps echoed in the hall behind him. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable,
“Nadad!”
Thorin let out a frustrated groan and turned to face the angry gaze of Dis. He barely flinched at her determined look and replied,
“What do you need, Namad?”
“You can’t just walk out of a council meeting, Thorin!”
“I could not stay any longer.”
Dis gave an exasperated sigh and put her hands on her hips. Thorin rolled his eyes at the gesture.
“Is this about Billa? Thorin, you know that she hasn’t done a thing to reach any of the company. Perhaps it is time –“
Thorin held up his hand to stop Dis. He swallowed with some difficulty and tried to gather his thoughts.
“Please do not say her name.”
Dis’s expression softened and she hedged,
“It is time to move forward, Thorin. You have given us back our home. None other could have done that.”
He shook his head slightly and turned his attention to the few dwarves still working on the columns around them. One dwarf looked over at him from around the pillar and paled considerably. He motioned to his companions and they left the hall quickly.
“I fell to the sickness that plagued our grandfather and have done unspeakable things. I sent my One away in disgrace. I am weak, and a coward.”
Dis began to say something more, but he didn’t wish to hear it. Thorin continued walking down the hallway and to his chambers. Almost out of habit he opened the door to his room from before the fall of Erebor, but shut it quickly when he remembered that his things had been moved to the king’s chambers.
The breeze blowing through the room greeted him when he stepped inside. He blinked as his eyes readjusted to the light. Thorin collapsed into the nearest chair, his head falling into his hands without any hesitation.
Even after two years the pain deep in his chest was as fresh and as raw as the day he woke after the battle. The gold sickness had been a cloud that covered his mind and blurred his judgment. Seeing the gold in the treasury was intoxicating, leaving him wanting nothing more than to spend the rest of his days searching for the Arkenstone. He had been obsessed, and now regretted every moment he spent looking for that accursed stone. After the battle, Dwalin told him the things that had happened and what he had done to the one person he should have held above all else.
As Dwalin spoke, the gold sickness faded, leaving Thorin to remember everything with revulsion.
His fingers tightened around the traitor’s throat without mercy, and he was pleased to see that punishment was being given.
She stole the King’s Jewel. She was less than the dirt underneath his feet. He threw the Halfling away without a second thought and turned on her. The bead at the side of her head glinted against the glow of the fire and he scowled. He had thought she was his One, but he had been wrong. His One would have never betrayed him like this.
She was sprawled across the floor, gasping. Thorin looked down at her without pity and roared,
“Was the love you talked so much of a lie as well?”
The thief shook her head and begged him, but he continued.
“Why would I listen to you? You are nothing to me.”
Dwalin had been understanding enough not to judge him when the tears started to fall from his eyes. He had hurt Billa. The brave hobbit woman who he loved the moment she answered her door all that time ago. The one who had saved his life and stayed there for him like no one else had ever done. She had made him feel whole for the first time since Erebor was lost to him, and that was how he treated her.
Thorin was brought back to the present and saw that tears tracked down his face. He wiped them away quickly and remembered the look on Dwalin’s face when he asked if he could see Billa. His friend had shaken his head and laid a hand on his shoulder before saying,
“She left for the Shire.”
He had known in that moment that nothing would ever matter in his life again. He had driven his One away and it was like a sword had been run through his chest.
It was a few hours later when he thought to ask anyone of what became of Azog the Defiler. When Balin informed him that a few dwarves had seen Billa plunge her sword into the Orc’s chest, Thorin felt even more ashamed. If he had had his way, she never would have had to see the battle, and she thrust herself into the worst of it.
The harsh flap of wings made him open his eyes just in time to see his raven flying through the open window. His gaze zeroed in on the note around the bird’s foot, hoping against everything he knew to be true that there would be a response to his letter.
The massive bird rested on his knee and shook its head, already knowing what Thorin would ask. It was the same question he had been asking for months. Thorin nodded sadly and removed the unopened envelope from the raven’s foot.
The bird waited for further instructions and nodded when Thorin told it that he had no need of him at the moment. It swiftly flew back out the window.
The envelope in his hands was heavy, weighted down by the words he had written. Many of them were so familiar he could recite them automatically.
I know that I do not deserve an answer to this letter, or to any that I send, but each time I would give anything to have even a word from you. Forgiveness is not something I expect can be given, but please know that I regret my actions with a burning intensity. I cannot find the words to tell you how I feel. You deserve every happiness in this world, and I hope that you have found some.
Thorin ran his fingers over the seal and threw the letter into the fire. He hadn’t been surprised when Dis had told him that Fili and Kili had tried to send a letter to the Shire, or when he found out that no reply followed. Even so, he couldn’t stop himself from sitting at his desk and writing so many letters that they all blurred together.
Not a single one was ever answered, and after a while they returned unopened as well. He watched the paper curl in the flames and wondered what Billa was doing at that moment, and if she was happy.
She must be, he reasoned, she has her books and her home, which was what she always wanted.
Shouting in the halls broke him from his reverie. He stood quickly, his hand going to the sword at his side without thinking. The door to his chamber burst open and a tall figure in greying robes stepped in without so much as a knock.
Thorin’s hand fell away from his sword and a grimace replaced the suspicious look he had on his face. They had just been rid of that damned wizard, and now he was back to meddle in his affairs once more.
The guard that was supposed to keep things like this from happening stood sheepishly in the doorway, an apology forming on his lips. Thorin waved him away and watched Gandalf shut the door.
Thorin stared at Gandalf pointedly, preparing himself for an argument much like the last time he had seen the wizard. He waited for Gandalf to say something first, and became increasingly more annoyed when the wizard looked around the room with an appraising eye.
“What business do you have here?”
Gandalf’s gaze slid from the tapestry above the mantel place and down to Thorin.
“I have no business but to say that you should be preparing for a second quest.”
Thorin fixed Gandalf with an incredulous gaze.
“I can tell you with certainty that she does not wish to see me.”
Gandalf’s eyebrows rose almost high enough to disappear beneath the brim of his ridiculous hat.
“And how do you know that is true?”
Thorin let loose an exasperated sigh and replied,
“If she wished to see me, or even speak with me, she would have answered the letters I have written. They have not been infrequent by any stretch of the imagination.”
Gandalf stared at him with the look that Thorin had hated on the quest. It was one of superiority, and it never failed to agitate him.
“Perhaps she isn’t able to find the right words, as you seem to have difficulty with as well.”
Thorin paused long enough to shift uncomfortably at the thought of Gandalf reading what he had written to Billa. Gandalf looked at him with a self-satisfied smirk playing about his lips and continued,
“Trust me when I say that you will not regret going after her. You have spent enough time being miserable in this mountain, Thorin Oakenshield.”
“What if it is better to let her move on with her life and forget me? I have caused her so much pain that I do not think she wishes me in her life.”
“If you believe that, then you are a bigger fool than I thought.”
Thorin did not reply, and after some time Gandalf left the room. He sat back down in his chair and stared at the stone of the opposite wall. Winter was rapidly approaching and there was no way he would be able to make his way to the Shire before the snow started to fall. Nevertheless, the wizard’s words gave him hope that he had not felt since Laketown years ago.
It was almost a week before Thorin felt comfortable enough to share his far flung hope with those he knew would trust him with even the most perilous endeavor because they already had. The company was waiting for him in one of the smaller dining halls in Erebor when he was able to tear himself away from discussions of farming in the land around the mountain.
It still surprised him to see the changes in the miners, toymakers, and old warriors in the time that they had spent rebuilding Erebor. All of them possessed and easy air of contentment around them which made Thorin feel like he had done at least one thing right. He had made the lives of some dwarves more peaceful and that had to count for something.
Fili and Kili had not lost their joking playfulness that still did nothing to ease his worries about them. Dis had almost had his head for the injuries her sons had gotten in the battle, even though they were minor and could have been infinitely worse.
The rest of the dwarves had found what work they wanted, and were able to do what they enjoyed without fearing for the well-being of their families. Some of the work was more respectable than others. Dori had just opened a tea shop and Bofur was busy selling carvings and toys with Bifur in the markets. Nori had come to him one night, asking for the position as Spymaster. Thorin had given it to him gladly, knowing that he would do well.
Thorin had barely sat down at the head of the table before Kili asked him,
“What do you need us here for, Uncle?”
Thorin took a deep breath and answered,
“I once told all of you that loyalty, honor, and a willing heart was all I asked for. You gave it without hesitation, and I ask that you give it again one more time.”
The table erupted in a mess of cheers and questions.
“Finally!”
“When are we leaving?”
“Does she know we’re coming?”
“We’ll have an Aunt!”
Thorin waited until the questions ceased and tried to answer them as best as he could. He breathed a sigh of relief when the company offered their complete support. It was decided that Fili would stay behind in Erebor in order to rule in Thorin’s place while he was gone. Fili didn’t bother to hide his disappointment, but accepted in the end.
Thorin informed the company that this venture was to remain between the company and the company alone. He was not comfortable in informing the members of his council besides Balin for fear of angering them, and he knew well enough that they would make it nigh on impossible for him to leave the mountain.
By the time the first snow fell, their plan had solidified enough for it to feel all too real. As spring approached Thorin became more apprehensive of what he would find when he reached the Shire. He was prepared to be yelled and cursed at, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to cope if she had found someone else. He would step aside for her sake, he knew. It would no doubt almost kill him to do it, but he would turn and take his company back to Erebor without another word if that was what made Billa happy.
Thorin had been under the impression that the snow fall would make meetings with delegates from Mirkwood and Laketown unreasonable and impractical. He should have known that Thranduil would take an intense pleasure in making his life more difficult. He had to keep reminding himself that it was for the betterment of his people. Even then it was hard to accept.
The elven king was no less trying than he had been when the company was trapped in the dungeons of the darkened kingdom.
Thorin was sitting on his throne when the messenger hurried in from a side door to tell him that the elven nuisance had arrived, with Bard not far behind.
Thranduil strode into the throne room with a smug tilt to his lips. Thorin sat straighter in his seat, relishing the idea that is was now Thranduil that stood below him, rather than the other way around.
Bard entered the room not long after Thranduil, and at least had the decency to offer a greeting. Thorin returned it as he should, but made no move to extend the welcome to Thranduil. The elf’s smug smile grew annoyed for the barest of moments before slipping back into place with a practiced ease.
Time passed slowly for him, and he was certain that Bard felt the same way. He glanced over at Thranduil and found that he was inspecting the cuff of his robes, not paying the slightest attention to the maps covering the table or the conversation concerning the trade of farmed goods produced by Erebor and Laketown.
Thorin cleared his throat, growing angrier as Thranduil continued to ignore him. Eventually the elf looked up from his clothing lazily, as if he just realized that others were still in the room. Thorin bit back the urge to curse the elven race and turned his attention back to Bard who was just beginning to outline the involvement of his people. Thranduil’s voice cut through the tension in the room by saying,
“There have been rumors flitting around about a certain burglar, or is traitor the correct term? Which do you prefer? I seem to remember that traitor passed your lips more than once.”
Thorin stiffened, both of his hands balling into fists. He turned a fearsome glare on the damned elf king and growled,
“She was never a traitor. If you speak of her in such a way again, I will not hesitate to draw my sword on you.”
Thranduil gave a haughty laugh, putting on a face of mock incredulity.
“You do not even wish to know the whispers surrounding her? I am surprised, Oakenshield.”
Thorin didn’t deign to rise to the question, preferring to pretend the elf was not in his presence. Blessedly, Balin interrupted the meeting not long after to advise Thorin of other matters. That was all it took for Thranduil to grow bored with the proceedings and return to Mirkwood. Bard decided to spend the night before traveling back down the mountain, so he was given the best accommodations Erebor could offer him.
He called for a glass of something strong to numb the roar in his ears. His patience had thinned considerably throughout the day, and he was sure that if anything else untoward happened, he would not be able to handle it the way a king should.
Thorin took the proffered drink gratefully when it arrived and downed it almost in one go. Dis would be furious when she caught word of the failed meeting, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Thranduil could have mocked anything about Thorin’s person, and while it would sting briefly, it would be nothing compared to hearing the disgraceful king speaking of Billa as though she was nothing more than a thief.
He had realized long ago that Billa had been the only member of the company thinking clearly when she offered the rock in exchange for aid. They would have died in the mountain, their thoughts filled with nothing but gold if she had not stepped in and done what he should have done.
He had been aware of that fact the moment the gold sickness had lifted from his mind. It was made worse when Bard had entered his tent with the Arkenstone in his grasp. The bowman had handed it to Thorin as the others watched him with concern evident in their eyes. None of them knew the vast and consuming feeling of nothingness that filled Thorin to his very core at the sight of the stone. Even the feeling of grief that had plagued him after the loss of Erebor was nothing compared to the ache that burned in his chest.
When his leg had healed enough for him to walk with the aid of a cane, Thorin had taken the Arkenstone to the entrance of the deepest mine in all of Erebor and tossed it down in the depths without another thought. The gem ricocheted off the stone walls, and was lost to the darkness.
Thorin finished his glass and thought of what Thranduil could have meant by mentioning the rumors surrounding Billa. He didn’t have the faintest idea what they could have been about, and eventually dismissed them as a way for Thranduil to toy with him and his weaknesses.
He took a deep breath and was almost glad when both Fili and Kili burst into the room without a second thought. It was a welcome distraction from his troubled mind.